DavezMental’s Blog

Where to start?? I have so much to say, about something that meant so much to me, yet right now, I think it’s out of my system….Out of my system so much that the pain and shock are gone….yet, I still want to write about it…

Last weekend, the era’s of two important parts of my life ended….One is more important to the other, but I held both close to my heart…..
AI and AE….are going, going, almost totally gone….

I believe the most important thing in people’s lives is finding someone to love. Regardless to how macho or tough someone tries to be, finding that significant other is top on people’s priority lists….It could mellow the most savage of individuals and slow down the game’s biggest players…..

About 11 months ago, I found that person to slow me down….the “one” that we all so desperately seek….Or at least I thought I did….as the year of 2006 progressed, although, we grew apart, I felt more and more like she was the one….my AE…..

It wasn’t a love at first sight kinda love, but one that grew in a short period of time….it grew faster than anticipated…..and at the worst possible time for both of us…..or for me anyways, because, I’m not even sure that she ever felt the same way….In fact, I know she didn’t…..but in my mind, I didn’t care….I was convinced that she was the “One.” AE, came after me and won my heart…..I know she liked me, but unfortunately, it was at a time in her life, where liking someone on the level in which we were, was just impossible…..the girl is busy healing from a tough past…one that I am not going to write about, but one that no one should have to live through…..I believe the average guy would shied away from her because of that past and say she has too much baggage, but the reality, is for the person she is, after going through what she did, is one of the things that makes her so beautiful and lovable in my eyes…..her strength, heart and the ability to live through so much adversity is unparalleled to no one….

Our romance, turned almost serious in a matter of 2 weeks…..she captured my heart faster than any other girl….I only said “I love You,” to 2 girls in my life….and it took months upon months before I had those feelings for those 2 girls…..I never said those 3 words to AE, but felt in my heart that I was very capable of saying them sometime soon…..January and February of this year was an interesting one….and I thought I found the girl that I would call my 3rd serious girlfriend, and maybe my last…..But that’s what happens when your heart interfere’s with your head….

Like I said, it was bad timing….although it was apparent that AE liked me…and possiblly stronger than I liked her, it was just the wrong time…..yes, for me, as I try to start my life over, but more so for her, who has to start her life period….Needless to say, my heart didn’t always listen to my head and that lead to some problems with AE and me…..I didn’t see her at all during the month of March…and I tried to find her replacement….It was hard with her on my mind constantly……

April, we decided to be “friends”…..after hanging out with her in NYC the day after Easter, I was convinced that she was the girl I was going to marry….give her a year or two to heal from her tough past….that would give me the year or 2 I need to get on my feet as well…..perfect….Maybe it was when she kissed me in front of the Garden, despite us being “friends,” or maybe it was just the personal growth that I witnessed in her in the month and a half that I stayed away from her….she was a different person….for the first time that I have known her, she was “ALIVE,” not “just living.”

But like they say, what goes up, must come down….May, which she says is always a bad month for her (because of one the the things that happened in her past), proved to be a challenging one….One, in which, even as a friend I couldn’t reach her…..she was down in the dumps so far, that it looked like I was going to lose her forever….and not just me, but the world…..

June, seemed to be better, although, for the second straight month, I distanced myself…..as painful as it was for me…..it was the best thing to do. I did it for her……and what happens…another guy steps in….and although, I thought she was going to save me for the next in line….she didn’t…..I mean, she down played it as a “friendship,” and all I could think about, was….”what about me?” Shouldn’t I be your friend? Again, selfish was I, but right as well…..I spent the whole first half of 2006 trying to make her smile. I lived to make her happy when she was sad…..She consumed 100% of my thoughts…..The summer of 2006 came and went without me seeing her…..we texted each other to say “hi” once a month….she even remembered my birthday, but that was it….I decided to look for love elsewhere…..I was convinced her and that other guy were only friends because she wasn’t capable of catching feelings for another because of what she was going through and that she was working on herself….that fact, kept me sane, but to forget about the hurt, I went looking for love elsewhere…..I found a lot of lust, but no love….

The end of August came, and after a 3 month lay off, I saw my AE….Although, we didn’t speak of the matter, she let me know in her own subliminal little way, that I over reacted to her other “friend.” Again, those old suppressed feelings started to resurface for me….I knew they were premature, because, she is still healing but I couldn’t help it…..Again, she disappeared on me and I thought, I was doing the right thing by letting her hide…and heal….but this time would apparently come back to bite me in the butt….

The next and what would be final time I saw her was the day after Halloween….It was different than any other time I had seen her….After fighting the urge to invite her to 2 differnent weddings and contacting her every weekend to hang out, I gave in after she texted me…..We hung out at her house…..and it was different….the signs were there that it was over, but I just wouldn’t let them appear….the love was lost, but I wouldn’t let it sink in….maybe it was because she fell asleep on me, as we watched television….maybe it was the 2 late phone calls she got even though she told me that she wasn’t talking to any of her friends….or maybe it was the half ass hug we gave each other when we said goodbye…..one thing that never happened before was a half ass hug. This girl told me when we first met that she gave the best hugs….and she was right…I could stay in her arms forever if she let me….for the first time this year, that night, I didn’t have that feeling….After I left, I decided again, to not push the subject of seeing her…..Almost 2 months go by before I speak to her, although, she never leaves my thoughts….then last week she texts me out of the blue…..not once but twice….the last time she did that was February…..now after the previous 6 months or so, I lost some of that loving feeling…..I came to the realization that it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, so I had to move on with my life, however 2 texts in one week was big….especially since her friend hinted to me that she might be ready for a relationship a couple weeks prior……I wasn’t going to ask her to hang out, but couldn’t fight the urge…I figured I’d strike while the iron was hot…..I got rejected, but it was because something else had happened in her family…..Something else, another blow to this scarred child…..one that made me feel sad for her, once again…..then it happened….

I came across her myspace page….mind you that is how we met….before we actually met in person in January, she hit me up on myspace last November…..but she deleted that page as part of her therapy…..well, her page was private….so last friday, I sent her a friend request…..I checked my myspace Monday….and BAM…..her status said, “In a Relationship.” I was confused, lost, and stunned….I didn’t know what that meant…I thought maybe she was finally ready for me….my 10 months of agony finally paid off, the one I so yearned to be with was finally ready….I read her page and then figured I’d check her pics…..and there it was…..the, “he makes me smile” pic…the picture of her and her Boyfriend……funny, because she told me via text message less than a week earlier that I make her smile….There was 2 pics of her and a Chris Titus look alike….one from a Halloween party…..which means, for approximately 3 months (as a minimum), my AE has not really been mine anymore…..That was enough emotion to make me cry, but I didn’t….in fact, it only stung for a day and a half….ironically, 2 days ago, me and my boys hung out in New Brunswick…where did they want to go….the same place me and AE went for our first date….The first hour was tough for me….I got those flashbacks that you only see in the movies, the ones that recall every specific detail and dialogue…the one’s that I didn’t think really existed….I had to go for a walk…I disappeard for a good 20 minutes….but then, I was good…..It was a bittersweet feeling…..I realized that now, I could move on….no more worrying about if she is suicidal, or if she is gonna be mine….or if I catch feelings for my current squeeze, will it mess things up forever between us…..those last 10 months of getting myself sick with those thoughts are gone….I could live….not the way I initially planned in the beginning of the year, but the way I can to feel good about myself…..and to prove that is true, ironically, my family chose to take my grandparents out to eat this weekend….where did they make the reservations at? The same restaurant me and AE went for Valentine’s Day….I thought, that I might get depressed over that……I thought about her maybe only twice during dinner….and I didn’t have to take a walk…..

Three days prior to that big blow….the one that I least expected, was another….this one involving my beloved AI….yes, Allen Iverson…..11 seasons ago Allen Iverson was drafted to save the 76ers from the depressing post-Charles Barkley era….It wasn’t love at first sight, because some people thought the Sixers should have made a different draft choice, but after a short period of time, he won over the Philly Faithful, with his strength and heart…..his ability to overcome adversity….It’s crazy, because there are so many similarities between AI’s love affair with the Sixers and mine with AE…I remember after his first couple seasons, just like after me and AE’s first couple months, he almost got traded….before the 2000 season, Pat Croce the Sixers then president traded AI, but the deal fell through…..well, AI went on a tear and led the Sixers to their first Final’s appearance since 1983…..well, if you include November of last year, when me and AE started talking (online), before our 4th month, we almost fell apart, then came the day after Easter, where we spent the afternoon in NYC together…..that was the day, I thought I found the girl I was going to marry….Both were the climax’s of AI career with the Sixers and AE’s companionship with me, because no matter how hard both tried to stay together, it never was that good again…..and just continuously got worse…..

Whose to blame when it comes to AI? AI himself or the general manager’s (GM’s)…..A lot of people are blaming Billy King, the Sixer’s GM, the guy responsible for drafting people and bringing in players to help AI….Some say AI is a ball hog and not the best team player out there…..and that Billy King did his best bringing in talent for AI….others say the talent wasn’t good enough….You decide….AI played with Jerry Stackhouse, Joe Smith, Glenn Robinson, Larry Hughes, Tim Thomas, Dikembe Mutumbo, Derrick Coleman, Keith Van Horn, and lastly the supposedly best one…Chris Webber…..Well, my mom and 3 good friends, that know about everything with me and the AE relationship say that I need to let go of her and let her do what she has to do to make herself right..they blame AE…..Well, it’s easier said then done….My last serious relationship ended on Thanksgiving 2004, and since then no one made me feel like AE…not the 10-15 girls before her, not the 15-20 girls since her…..no one….maybe I am the bum GM that messed things up….Maybe, I made poor decisions….Maybe, I shouldn’t have did what I did to make things go wrong back in late February….those stupid Myspace comments in reaction to comments made by two guys she knows that sweated her, and caused a childish Comment war on her Myspace page, that drover her nuts….maybe I shouldn’t have disappeared when she told me her guy friend in June was really just a friend….maybe, I shouldn’t have disappeared during the summer, or after we hung out on August 29th…..or maybe I should have listened to my mom and 3 friends and looked elsewhere…maybe I should have put in a better effort with the other players out there…..This summer, I had my share of talent…..Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed that 20 year old from West New York out of my life. She was my Larry Hughes….I refuse to date girls younger than 24, yet she was incredible for her age…..Then I brought back an old girlfriend, one from college, that was like my Derrick Coleman….came back for a second stint that didn’ t work…..There was my model from the Palisades who I never let get close to me, she could be my Keith Van Horn. Then there was the one from Coney Island that adored me, my Tim Thomas (Tim, loved playing in Philly), There was the hot black chick, actually there was 2 of them that were my Joe Smith’s and Glenn Robinson’s…any guy would love to have them on their arms, I pushed them away…I even had my Jerry Stackhouse, this girl would have been perfect for me but I met her too early. I met her right after the seriousness between me and AE ended in late February…Now Stackhouse, was around before AI, but they gave up on him way too early, just like I did this girl…..Then there was the last one. The one that should have been AE’s replacement was my 33 year old…..the Chris Webber, the best match for me, you know, the one that AI was supposed to win with….Well, I never gave her a chance and pushed her out…she is gone…..there have been many other players….but they were role players, no big names…..either way, I let AE have her way with my heart, like AI had his way with the Sixers, and pushed them players (with tons of talent) right off my team…..

It’s funny how those 11 months with AE are like the 11 years of AI…..Tons of ups and downs…..there were the times when she would come to my house late night, just to hang out…..just hold each other and make each other happy…..this relationship wasn’t about sex….yes, that occurred, but on the rare occasions it did, it was love making…..out of all the girls that I hung out with more than once in my day….with the exception of my Chris Webber, me and AE had sex the least amount of times…only 4 times in those serious 2 months…and only 1 kiss since….but it was more than that….it was the holding each other, the making fun of each other, the laughing at each other, the similar passions for kids, the sharing of the fight to improve our lives, trying to help each other grow as people, the dreaming……it was like the scoring titles, the MVP’s, the All-Star games, the 40 & 50 point games, the playing hurt, the strong underdog…..it was about the ability to have the power to win every single night…..That’s what having AI and AE gave you….the feeling that on any given night, you could win, and be invincible…

The Sixers, held on to AI for 11 seaons, hoping that he could bring them back to the NBA Finals again, with the hope to win a championship…the same way that I held on to AE for 11 months, hoping she could bring back that feeling to my heart, the one that would end one day in marriage…..the truth is that the Sixers, as painful as this is to say, held on to AI too long, just like I, as painful as this is to say, held on to AE for too long….

Maybe, there was foreshadowing back in late January, early February when I brought her to Philly for a Sixers/Knicks game. ….She being a die hard Knicks fan and me being a die hard Sixers fan, went with the anticipation of a good game….and couldn’t wait to see Allen Iverson play….well, the Sixers killed the Knicks…so, it wasn’t a good game (although I was happy)….but the worst part was that AI, wasn’t even in the building….He was injured and didn’t play that game, to both of our disappointments…..maybe that was a sign I missed 10 months ago…..maybe that could have saved me 10 months of aggravation, depression and sadness….then again, it would have taken away 10 months of smiles, heart warming experiences, and hope and joy….

Now, with the love affair totally over…..as AE falls in love with this new guy that makes her smile, and I let the love for her fall out of my heart, we could only wait to see what the Sixers get in return for AI…..Are we going to get seasoned veterans like Jeff Hornaceck, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang, that are just time fillers until the next big phenom, the next Charles Barkley comes along, or are we going to get a young prospect or two that give us hope for the future, and give us something to get excited about for the near future…..or draft picks, that could help us for the not so far future….or are we gonna experience another Phillies cleaning sale that re-ingnites a fading organization or fall into the 4 years of pain that the Sixers did after Sir Charles left……..It might be a Bitter Sweet Symphony….but I know, that I’ll find another AE/AI soon…..even if it takes a long time….Like always, I hope my AE is smiling somewhere and happy, and like I hope AI wins a championship with that team he ends up…..Either way, it will be a Bittersweet Victory/Symphony for all….