DavezMental’s Blog

Twist my wrist, I can’t go on like this….

Both my title and first sentence from this blog come from one of my favorite Bon Jovi songs….Temptations….

I have been fantasizing with the thought of just running away….not because I am sad, not because things are going wrong, not for any reason other than the fact that…..”Sometimes I feel I just gotta get away.” That’s a line from the Mobb Deep song, “Get Away.”

See how weird I am…who quotes Bon Jovi in one sentence then Mobb Deep in another…but, that is how I’ve been feeling….not weird, just in the mood to get away…

I’m stuck in a “tired of the grind” mode. Work is cool. I love my kids. Had an interesting, character building two weeks, followed by a week off, then last week was a good week, yet somewhere in the past month, I’ve had the “Runaway” mentality (another Bon Jovi song). Maybe it was an occurrence that might cost me my job in June….maybe it was the two rough weeks….maybe it was the daydreaming that I should be doing something else with my life….Maybe it was the fact that I came into a little bit of money for the first time in half a decade and realized that I could be doing other things….like living a real-estate mogul….lol….

I don’t know…I have a lot of goals, and a lot of dreams…..one fantasy is to just disappear……and…start over?? Not sure…..to maybe find myself?? Don’t know about that either…..maybe to try to make it big elsewhere?? I really don’t know why I would get up and leave….it’s like a story with no ending in sight….When I think about running from it all, I have no purpose as to why I would do it…..It’s like watching a movie and having no clue as to how it is going end….just like “No Country For Old Men.” Then again, I think after watching that movie a lil over a month ago is where I got the idea to pack up and go….

I can’t seem to find myself and purpose….Part of me wants to settle down and start a family, yet the other part, wants no parts of that….lol…..I want to live like I’m in my early twenties, yet can’t get my self to do it, because I have goals of an older man, and, well….am an older man….I am almost in my early thirties….I see people I grew up with and chill with planning weddings, having kids and celebrating wedding anniversaries, and although I would like to accomplish those things one day….don’t want them NOW…I’ve been asked how I feel about my fellow late-20-something peeps doing their grown-up things, and I have no opinion….I don’t envy them nor do I feel bad for them….yes, I would like to get there eventually, but just not now……I feel like I have some more living to do…..maybe that’s why I keep pushing out all the great girls in my life…..I tend to come across some amazing females….ones that would like to get into something serious with a guy like me, and ones that the average guy would love to wife-up, but I am far from ready for that……it’s funny because as recent as 3 years ago, I was yearning for love…..but not now….one day, yes…..but now I am yearning for something else….I just don’t know what that is….

I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself in North/Central NJ….make decent money, have a decent savings….would like to buy my own place one day, but also think about running away (a lot)….here is what I thought about doing….selling all of my belongings via Ebay and Craiglist! I mean everything…..people that know me, know that I am a Collectible/Memorbilia hound….that was my life from age 9-19….and even though I stopped being psycho with collectibles in my 20’s I still saved a bunch of things….so, I have basically 20 years of collectible items collecting dust in storage units and my father’s house…..I have dreamed about selling all of it….then selling all of my furniture….I have incredibly beautiful furniture that my mom left me when she moved to AZ….then upload my thousand CD’s to one of my laptops, and sell all my used CD’s….then unload my T-shirts mad cheap…..that would leave me with my clothes, Ipod, Laptop, car……and a decent amount of cash (considering I easily sell everything)…..

From there, I would just drive…..where….I don’t know…..Vegas?? Crash with my buddy Eric and maybe start a real estate business?? Sounds like a plan….or maybe I would drive to LA and crash with my old college roommate Tom….try to get into showbiz….either as an actor or rapper…haha…I have never acted nor rapped in my life, but believe I could do both….if I tried….I mean, I don’t have stunning good looks to make it just on looks alone, but I’m ok to look at…..and I got charm, charisma, and some talent, I suppose….lol…..maybe I’ll just move down south or in the middle of nowhere out west where everything is cheap….but what the hell would I do…..In my life time I have dreamed about living in the big city….but also the country…..I used to totally see myself living in NYC or Philly….but that was in my businessman days….I am far past that…me living in the middle of no where though……I would love to get away from it all and do that….but what would I do? Try to run some internet business and find a country girl?? I have no clue…..

I feel that I am too old to be thinking this way….but at the same time, I am still in my 20’s…..I mean I hear all the time from my grandmother that when she was my age she was married and had 2 kids already….that means nothing to me….I just wish I had the ambition doing all this traveling in my early 20’s or late teens…I would have done it….who knows….maybe I would have said screw America and went out to Europe (when the dollar was worth something)….that would have been fun…like my cyber buddy Danica is doing….I can’t do that though…..the Euro costs way too much and I’m not comfortable going where most people don’t speak English…that is too scary for me…

Well, the bottom line is this….unless something crazy comes over me in the summer, I am staying put….I have my grandparents to look after, and a career that is starting to bud…..shoot, I even am starting to save for my retirement again….something I haven’t done since I was 23….the last time I made grown-up money…..unfortunately I don’t have the balls to pull a stunt like this….but I will daydream about it to escape reality when need be….

“So, I’ll finish this blog with the ending to “Temptations,”

“Temptation…
Temptation…
Go home…
Lord,I’m walking straight into the ocean
Tell the tide I’m on my way…
I’m gonna hang my head down tonight on Damocles’ sword”